


Really Bad Jokes

by genteelrebel



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 13:02:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3411599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genteelrebel/pseuds/genteelrebel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys spend a week telling the oldest, smelliest, most cliché knock knock and bar jokes they can think of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Really Bad Jokes

**Author's Note:**

> Pure silliness written for no greater purpose than to cheer up a friend who was having a stressful week. I’m not sure whether I’m pleased or sorry to have to say that not one of these jokes is my own creation; like Duncan and Methos and Joe, I simply took the originals and twisted them to suit myself. :) Hope you enjoy!

**One**

Joe: Knock, knock.

Methos: Who’s there?

Joe: Joe.

Methos: (raising eyebrows) Joe, I think you’ve missed the whole point of the knock knock joke. You’re not supposed to answer the “who’s there?” with your actual name.

Joe: (rolling eyes) I’m not trying to win any great prizes for comedy, Methos. I’m just trying to tell you a knock knock joke. Now are you going to play along or not?

Methos: (heaving a long suffering sigh.) I suppose. All right. Joe who?

Joe: Joen’t leave me this way! (catching Methos’s expression and looking apologetic.) Okay, okay. I didn’t say it would be a *good* joke, now did I? Can you do any better?

Methos: Hmmm. *thinking* Knock, knock.

Joe: *looking startled* Who’s there?

Methos: Methos.

Joe: *frowning* Didn’t you just say…never mind. Methos who?

Methos: *grinning* Give me a beer, me throat’s dry! 

Joe: *heartfelt groan*

**Two**

Methos: Knock, knock.

Joe: Who’s there?

Methos: I love doctor.

Joe: I love doctor who?

Methos: *grinning* Really? And I thought finding out that you used to be a Trekkie was bad enough. Better give me a beer to soften the shock. 

Joe: Why is that all the jokes you tell somehow turn into an excuse for getting you beer? *looking up as door opens* Hey look, Mac’s here!

Duncan: Hi Joe, Methos. What are you up to?

Methos: Telling knock knock jokes. I’m glad you’re here, Mac; your presence has inspired my next masterpiece. Joe, knock knock.

Joe: *looking resigned* Who’s there?

Methos: *looking sideways at the Highlander* Duncan!

Joe: Duncan who?

Methos: Dun can make your garden grow better! 

Duncan: *looking pained* That’s a masterpiece?

Methos: Hey, it’s a knock knock joke. It was never going to win a Nobel prize for literature.

Duncan: *still wincing* No, I suppose not. Joe, knock knock.

Joe: Who’s there?

Duncan: Pea.

Methos: *murmuring* I’m not sure I like where this is going…

Joe: *gamely* Pea who?

Duncan: Pea-who, that last joke of Methos’s really stunk, didn’t you think?

Joe: *laughing* It certainly did.

**Three**

Joe: Okay, I have one. Knock, knock.

Methos and Duncan: *in chorus* Who’s there?

Joe: Irish.

Methos: Irish who?

Joe: Irish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener…that is what I really want to be… *sings entire song*

Duncan: *applauding along with Methos* Well done, Joe. I had no idea there were musical knock-knock jokes.

Methos: *evil smile* I know one, Mac. But before I tell it, have you to promise to sing the song with me. Complete with gestures.

Duncan: Gestures?

Methos: Gestures. 

Duncan: (to Joe) Something tells me I’m going to regret this. (to Methos) All right. I agree, provisionally. Who’s there?

Methos: Erma.

Duncan: Erma who?

Methos: Erma little teapot, short and stout…*starts to place hand on hip, then stops when the Highlander stays still.* Ahem. Come on, Highlander. Your best teapot impression, please. 

Duncan: Oh, no, no, no. Joe has enough blackmail material on me as it is, thank you. *smiling own evil smile, which isn’t anywhere as evil as Methos’s…in fact, it’s only mildly naughty.* Knock, knock, Methos.

Methos: (hesitantly) Who’s there?

Duncan: Little old lady.

Methos: Little old lady who?

Duncan: Why Methos, I didn’t know you were such an expert yodeler.

Joe: *snickers*

Methos: *smiling, raising bar glass in toast* I have been many things, MacLeod. 

Duncan: *smiling back* So you have.

*everyone drinks*

**Four**

Methos: Knock, Knock.

Duncan: (groaning.) Oh, no, not again. Who’s there?

Methos: Amaryllis.

Duncan: Amaryllis who?

Methos: Amaryllis ick of these knock knock jokes. Why don’t we switch to something else? Like bar jokes? Joe, you’re a bartender. Surely you must know some of those.

Joe: (looking thoughtful) Well, there was this one time when this guy walked in here with a huge roll of tarmac under his arm.

Duncan: (raising eyebrows) What did he say?

Joe: He said: “Give me a beer, and another one for the road.”

Duncan: (groaning)

Methos: Maybe we better go back to the knock-knock jokes.

**Five**

Methos: Okay, so tonight I have a true story for you two, not a joke. It happened in this very bar…

Duncan: *skeptically* Is this a true story along the lines of you riding with Butch and Sundance? Or being onstage with the Rolling Stones?

Methos: Hey! I *was* onstage with the Rolling Stones. *slumping slightly* Briefly. Before the show. I was helping test the sound equipment…

Joe: *chuckling* Tell us the joke, old man.

Methos: Okay. So it was one of those nights when the bar was really hopping. You were busy with your other customers, Joe. I came in and ordered a beer, and Mike the bartender said the keg had run dry and I’d have to wait until he tapped a new one…

Duncan: *sarcastically* Tragedy! How did you ever survive?

Methos: Well, it wasn’t easy. Fortunately, Mike had set out these bowls of pretzels…you know, the little tiny ones with the extra salt? So to console myself I sat down and started munching away. And suddenly I hear this voice saying: “Methos! You are the sexiest man alive!”

Joe: *snickering* One of your adoring fans follow you in, old man?

Methos: *with dignity* Hey, I do have them. The more people come to know me, the more they admire me, after all. But no. It wasn’t a fan. It wasn’t *anybody* that I could identify. I looked around, trying to see who knew my real name, and when I couldn’t figure it out I went back to eating my pretzels. Then I heard the voice again. This time, it said: “Methos! Those tight jeans and hiking boots are soooo hot on you! You are amazing!”

Duncan: *under his breath* Oh, god. I knew those jeans were going to cut off all the blood flow to your brain eventually.

Methos: *ignoring him* Well, I was a little concerned, naturally. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard mysterious voices. I didn’t want to repeat the experience. So I got up and found Joe. I said: “Joe! I keep hearing this strange voice talking to me.”

Duncan: *impatiently* And what did Joe say?

Methos: Well, the first thing he did was to ask me if the voice was saying good things or bad things. I blinked, thought about it, and said “Well, it’s really been very nice so far.” And Joe smiled and said…

Joe: *chiming in with a grin* “Don’t worry, it’s just the complimentary pretzels.”

Methos: *grinning back* Exactly.

Duncan: *bangs head against the bar*

**Six**

Joe: Okay, I got one. So, as you know, I wasn’t always a bartender. During my youth I did a lot of research for my future occupation by drinking in all the different bars I could find…

Methos: *grinning* I just bet you did. 

Joe: Well, I had to get practical experience somehow, now didn’t I? Anyway, this search for knowledge led me to some pretty unusual places. So one day I’m sitting in this bar near the waterfront in Seacouver, and this piece of string walks in.

Duncan: *skeptically* Piece of string.

Joe: Just go with it, Mac. Okay, so this piece of string walks up the bar and asks the bartender for a beer…and the bartender just goes ballistic. Growls “We don’t serve your kind here,” and when the string still doesn’t leave, he gets out from behind the bar and starts beating him up! And I don’t mean he just roughed him up a little; I mean he really beat the unholy hell out of this piece of string. Hit him, stomped him, unraveled his ends…he even tied him in a knot. Then he kicked him out the door into the street.

Methos: *shaking head sadly* Goodness. Anti-string prejudice. And there was me thinking that society had gotten beyond all that. Now that we’ve discovered the theory, and everything.

Joe: *deadpan* It was a terrible sight, all right. And the truly shocking thing was, ten minutes later the door opens again, and in walks the same piece of string! Well, I didn’t know what to think. And neither did the bartender. He leaned across the bar and growled in this really threatening tone, “Aren’t you the same piece of string I just threw out of here?” And the string said…

Duncan: Yes? What did he say?

Joe: He said, “No, I’m a frayed knot!”

*silence*

Duncan: *to Methos* You know, we really need to find a different place to drink.

Methos: You could well be right.

**Seven**

Duncan: *looking sideways at Methos* Okay, it’s my turn now. So this happened during that week Joe was in London looking for new musicians to recruit. As I’m sure you both recall, since Mike was on vacation, Joe decided to just close the bar down rather than try to find someone else to run it for that week. Well, Joe had been gone for a few days when my phone rang. It was Methos, wanting to know when the bar was going to reopen. So I told him that I wasn’t sure, but I thought Joe was planning to re-open when he got back on Saturday. So Methos thanks me very politely and hangs up…

Joe: *looking at Methos* Very politely? You must have been off your form, old man. 

Methos: *raising hands* Hey, it must have been the alternate universe me. I don’t remember any of this.

Duncan: *smirking* Well, there may be good reason for that. Okay, so I hang up, and I don’t think anything about it…until the next night, Thursday, when Methos calls again. This time he says, and I quote: “Highlander! When ish Joe’s bar going to reopen?”

Joe: Ish?

Methos: I *really* don’t remember that. Is this a true story, Highlander?

Duncan: *smirking again* As true as the one about the talking pretzels *you* told. *turning to Joe* Anyway, I’m a bit surprised, but I figure he must really be missing you, so once again I tell him that I think you’re going to be back on Saturday. And once again, he thanks me and hangs up.

Joe: *getting into the spirit* And let me guess. The next night he calls again?

Duncan: *nodding* You got it. And this time, he says: “Mac! Whendidshoo shay Joe’sh wash gonna reopen?”

Methos: *with dignity* Are you trying to imply that I was drunk, Highlander?

Duncan: Methos, you were smashed. Plastered. Gonzo. So, naturally I was starting to get a bit concerned. I repeated the news that Joe wasn’t going to re-open until Saturday, and then I asked Methos what was going on. What was so important about getting into Joe’s? Did he leave his sword in the coatroom, or something? And Methos said… *pause for effect* “"No... Ah don't wanna git in... ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Joe: *hooting with laughter*

Methos: *resigned* Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve you two. Surely the statute of limitations on being one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse ran out centuries ago. Give me another beer, Joe.

**Epilog**

Methos: *looking around* Is Duncan gone?

Joe: *confused* I think so. Why?

Methos: *grinning slyly* I have a romantic joke just for you. Knock, knock.

Joe: *groaning* Oh, no. I thought we were finished with all that.

Methos: Just bear with me. Knock, knock.

Joe: Who’s there?

Methos: Amanda.

Joe: I thought this was going to be a romantic joke. Why are you bringing *her* into this?

Methos: Joe, stop complaining! Just play along, please. Your line is: “Amanda who?”

Joe: All right, all right. Amanda who?

Methos: A man dat really wants to kiss you.

Joe: *flushing slightly.* Hmmm. I think the only way I can answer that is like this…Knock, knock.

Methos: Who’s there?

Joe: Olive.

Methos: Olive who?

Joe: Olive you, too.

Methos: *smiles and reaches for him*

*curtain*

**The End**


End file.
